Gradpa Hands

I am in a show.....this is exciting! Look at these neato poster that publicizes my show. If you look really close, you can see my name. Next step VH1 reality show! BAM!

Go buy tickets. Only 2 shows left.

If you live in Chicago and want to go, follow the link below.
https://www.laughstub.com/secondcity/index.cfm?utm_nooverride=1&id=65589&quantity=0

If you don't live in Chicago, follow this same link and be pumped that I am in a show.
https://www.laughstub.com/secondcity/index.cfm?utm_nooverride=1&id=65589&quantity=0

BOOYA!!!

You Think You're Cooler Than Me...

Aside from Nelly's Jam (see below), there is another song hitting the airwaves that has spoken to my soul. Mike Posner has a jam out called, "You Think You're Cooler Than Me," and it is the bomb. (His last name and the song title take me back to middle school and the discovery of what Irony really meant...and it wasn't an Alanis Morsette song).

This song has made me do some soul searching....Michael J. told us all to start with the Man in the Mirror. So here I am looking at my reflection and asking myself, "What do I do that makes me cooler than others?" And the answer was clear--I am not cool. However, I do some odd things that make me feel cool--or what I think people will see as cool. I am not ashamed to say that some days I am a 14 year old girl in a 26 year old body. Here is the list of things B Taubs does to try to look hip and with it. I call it, "I kinda hope you think, maybe, just a little, that I am cool: a list of reasons why I should have an intervention"

1. When a good looking man gets on the train, I quickly change my iPod song to something that will make me seem either a. cultured or b.look like I totally know everything about music. So I totes switch from Clay Aiken to the Goo Goo Dolls. That was a joke guys....you should pick up on the sarcasm. Ha I would never listen to Clay Aiken. Laughable! For some reason, I feel that the train hottie will be interested in my song choice, and then if interested will strain his neck around Hobo Joe to see if he can catch the song before the light fades from my pod. If he manages all of that, the mere sighting of my ultra hip Stones song or NPR selection(yeah I said it) will cause him to fall madly in love with me. Sounds like a Blockbuster hit to me or an early 90s romcom with Sandra Bullock finding love on the CTA.

2. I tell people I am re-reading the great American novels, when in actuality I am reading Lauren Conrad's LA Candy. However, in my defense I do enjoy those classic pieces of literature, and I am sincere when I say that I feel that everyone should read them. Gatsby, Huck Finn, A Catcher in the Rye and Are You There, Vodka? It's Me Chelsea are brilliant literary works. Unfortunately, when I was required to read them in high school I was 10x less cool than I am now and decided to get the cliff notes. Therefore, I feel the need to re-read them and I am doing that. However, for every classic I read I get to read one horrifically trashy novel, and thus we get LA Candy or the newest Nicholas Sparks novel turned Miley Cyrus movie. (which I totally go see..in the theatre...with a large diet coke and peanut m&ms--we are getting all the truth out tonight. ALL OF IT!) When I read these less than stellar novels I do it with in the privacy of my own home. However, when I read "the classics" I flaunt it like I am in my Senior Prom dress and just got my hair done at Great Clips. I know--shameful.

3/4. This is a 2-fer. I order wine everywhere I go. I will be in a dive bar and ask for their house white wine. I then giggle softly and tell who I am with that I am a wino (and yes I realize how dumb that makes me sound--urban dictionary that term and then laugh). This is pathetic on several fronts. For starters, I know nothing about wine. I don't even care what I am ordering. I think holding a wine glass makes me look cool and, frankly, I like how it tastes. (wa wa). Here comes the 2-fer--When I drink the wine, I undoubtedly will tell who I am with that I studied in Rome and thus appreciate wine. And while I "studied" in Rome, I drank said wine in piazzas and pondered the meaning of my existence. (you decide what parts of this are true) No, I don't say that I went abroad, took a BS class and got drunk a lot....I say I "studied" in Rome. Like "studying" in Rome brings about street cred to the fact that I am drinking some shitty Chardonnay from a solo cup.

5. I changed the background to my blog. It now looks like an Anthropologie bed spread. Side bar--I have always wanted a bed spread from Anthropologie but could never afford to drop 200 bones on one. Therefore, I stick with airbrush looking quilts from Target...fail. Back to backgroud (giggles to self). I was debating between this and the one with birds on it, but I didn't want to look too girly. However, I think I managed to pick the most girly one. My background will probably change 3 more times as I start to worry what my 8 readers will think of it. Therefore, I was trying to be cool yet again....when will I learn my lesson??

There are many more examples of ways in which I pretend to be cool, but as I type I realize I might need a life/identity/intervention--LIST WAS A SUCCESS! So thank you Mike Posener. I will now be the original Mariah Carey Christmas listening, Nicholas Sparks reading, box wine drinking woman I was meant to be. I will attempt to embrace it--I just hope all of you jokers can accept the new/old me.

Taubel--OUT

Dear Nelly

I am beyond pumped right now...no not because Glee is back and rocking my world daily(btw last weeks episode was AMAZING...I was glad to see Fox taking a serious turn on so many subjects--deep post about that to come). I am excited because Nelly is BACK ladies and gentleman! Yup, the creative mind that gave us Country Grammar, Dilemma, and Hot in Here is back on the scene and rocking my iPod daily...well really hourly.

For those of you who have been in a hole and have yet to experience the poetic genius that is "Just a Dream," take a second, youtube that shiz, send me a thank you email, and then write a fan letter to Nelly--GO! I am telling you, this song is full of little life lesson gems. Furthermore, it has a beat that cause a little bounce within me. People tend to stare at me on the train when I am listening to this ditty. Mostly because I am mouthing the words (it takes unbelievable self control to not sing aloud), but also because I am obviously dancing (horribly at that).

Let's dissect this AMAZING piece of pop culture:
1. The song starts with the hook, "I was thinkin' bout her, thinkin' bout me, thinkin bout us, what we gonna be, (something I can't decipher) in my eyes, it was only just a dream." I realize I could Google the lyrics to figure out what that part is but I like to insert my own renditions "throw up in my eyes" is what I am going for right now. This is one hell of an opener. Nelly you have me hooked (pun intended). What happened? Where did she go? I hope you will tell me!!!

2. Great opening line "I was at the top now it's like I'm in the basement. Number 1 spot now she findin her replacement. I swear now I can't take it knowin someone got my babay....I should put it down and got that ring." Oh there is so much to dissect here. There is the slight Beyonce "Single Ladies" reference, but I would love to talk about how you compared emotions to the floors in a house. BRILLIANT!! Like Let me tell you, I would totes rather be on the top floor of a house then in the basement. Like I get it Nelly, when you are on the top floor you can see out of the windows to the world in front of you. You are trying to say at the top we can see into the world (or love). However, in the basement we are cold, dark and cut off from the world (or love). YOU ARE SO DEEP!!

3. Then Nelly gives us some serious info when he sangs, "my lover, my life, my shawty, my wife. She left me I’m tight cause I knew it just aint right." NOOOOOOO ok Nelly damn, I am sorry. This lady you are singing about, was the love of your life and she done run out on you. Man, I feel you.

4. My favorite line comes when he tells us he is "Tryin to get my Usher on but I can't let it burn." To all Usher fans from 1996 to 2003, you know that "Burn" may have been one of the best singles he dropped ("My Way" is a close 2nd). For Nelly to take a moment and pay homage to the jam that made my "Boys Suck" mix Sophomore Year of college, deserves 2 thumbs up and a shoulder bounce. Thank you! Obviously, this lady has hurt you big time (I am hoping you are singing about Kelly Rowland and your sadness that things didn't work out after your AMAZING duet "Dilemma." I really thought you two would make it. (Pause for sigh and head shake.)


5. We end this jam with the repeating of, "If you ever love somebody put yo hands up, if you ever love somebody put yo hands up, now they gone and you wishin you could give them e'er thing." Believe that both my hands are up and waving like a rhythm challenged white girl. I really haven't been in love (or to the extent that Nelly talks about), but I can't help myself. It is so incredible that I invent a new boyfriend each time I listen to this song, and then spend the next hour listening to the Dawson's Creek Soundtracks and wallow in my fictional heart ache.

Overall, this song welcomes Nelly back to the world of the awesomely bad love raps/ballads. Nelly--you brought us Country Grammar, Dilemma, Sweat suit (the 2 disc album that featured two sides of this rapper--deep!), and now this sweet ditty. I thank you for all you have done for my Play list "No Mom I Don't Have a Boyfriend." You are a man of many talents and I salute you!!!

**NOTE-this song was on repeat the whole time I was writing this post. All mistakes should be dismissed because I was caught up in a world of love and heartache

Taubel--OUT!

Family Tradition?

*This post is dedicated to the Mel B., Erin, The Captain,Leigh, and "The Cat's in the Cradle and the Mama's dead."*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7bPyXwBn_Q

The link you see is to a commercial from Amica Mutual Insurance. It talks about family traditions being apart of everyday health. While I don't disagree that a healthy family is able to have long lasting traditions, I wonder if Amica realizes what the normal family tradition is.

The commercial follows a family that does a Triathlon every year together--even their aging father jumps in on the fun. Now, I am all for getting in shape and being physically fit, but come on Amica. A triathlon as a family tradition? Is this a flash forward 15 years to what Lance Armstrong and his family will be doing?

Let's get real Amica--family traditions are Sunday brunch after church, arguing at Thanksgiving dinner about which sibling shows their dedication more by calling and visiting the most, or every Monday night cooking breakfast for dinner (wink wink ladies).

I get that you want us to get off our ass and start doing things, but frankly your commercial makes me feel bad, not only about myself, but my family traditions--none of which include any type of physical exertion. How about next time you try to warm the hearts of Americans, make a commercial about a family having passive aggressive conversations while sitting in front of a t.v. watching a football game. Or you can give us a snapshot of a family that takes out a whole case of wine in one evening and then wakes up to a family hangover. (yes these are my family traditions and I couldn't be prouder!)

Thanks Amica but no thanks...family triathlons are for overachievers, the Armstrongs, and your busted ad team.

Taubel--OUT!

So Tell Me Facebook....

Hello All!

Let's get this out of the way--I'm a bad blogger. School is out for summer and I have been on a bit of a bender. My apologies.

Recently, I was chatting with some of my pals about the absurd amount of information that is available to us on the Facebook. Mark Zuckerburg has really done a number on this social networking thing.

Pause for a moment of facebook nostalgia (if that is even possible)-it used to be that you could get on the book of the face and the most intrusive section was your "about me" section. Many people detailed their feelings on the meaning of life, things that make them lol, and why they have the best life God could give anyone. For me, reading this section often felt like an over share, but for others it was a way to let the cyber world know how deep they truly were.

With the invention of the "I Like" button, status updates, applications, and the news feed, we now know more than we ever wanted to know about the awkward kid from our 10th grade science class.

However, there is a time when all this information provides me with a good chuckle --when people mysteriously break up via facebook. You know what I am talking about--"Jane and John are no longer in a relationship" (insert heart icon that his broken in two and an old lovey picture of the couple). I love these moments because you know there was a serious conversation about how they needed to end their relationship on facebook. Who would be the one to click on the personal information button and change 'in a relationship' to 'single?' I am lol-ing just thinking about it. Can you imagine after the yelling and tears, someone has to be like, "So how are we going to do this over facebook? Do you want to end it or do you want me to take care of this?"

I feel that this is where facebook is missing the boat. Come one guys, you tell me when Sally is feeling optimistic and quotes her favorite Spice Girl song or when Jim feels as though life keeps raining on his parade. You tell me when Stephanie likes that Sarah is going to the Lady GaGa concert or when April and Steve have become friends. You tell me all of this, but you wont tell me why John and Jane broke up? Where is your sense of intrusiveness now, facebook?

What I want to see is a reason for the break up. Like when you decide to un-relationship someone you should explain. Maybe it could be "Jane is no longer in a relationship with John because, 'John couldn't keep it in his pants' or 'Jane found out that John's eHarmony account was a load of sh*t'" If this were the case I could cancel my subscription to Us Weekly. (Yes, I subscribe to Us Weekly--it makes me feel better).

Let's be honest here, we all know those friends that like to detail their entire day for us. Sometimes it's interesting, but most times it is annoying. Wouldn't this break up option make those friends that much more exciting? Everyday would be like Gossip Girl--only the people aren't wearing strange versions of school uniforms and headbands.

I have been in a facebook relationship for the past 5 years. Yes I am one of those girls who is 'in an open relationship' with one of my friends. I thought I was being ultra cool and hip by making fun of the relationship option. Therefore, the 21 year old B Taub thought it would be HYSTERICAL to be in a relationship with another girl--because NO ONE else would think to do that. (I hope you are picking up on the sarcasm here). Now it has gotten to the point that deleting this relationship would be awkward because it would be saying, "B and J realize they need to be adults and stop having a fake relationship on FB. Also, being in this relationship solidifies B's inability to find a real boyfriend..." Wait--did I just overshare here? DAMN IT! (Maybe I should copy and paste this into the 'about me' section)

Anyways, if J and I ever fake break up over the facebook I am going to tell the world why. I am going to make it as dramatic as possible. It will most likely because she has been cheating on me for the past 3 years with her boyfriend--who, I am certain, would like to establish, to the facebook world, that his girlfriend is not a lesbian. When this happens, I am going to go big with it. If you catch our break up be sure to click the 'I like this' button.

Ok off to update my status about this blog and to stalk some random people from high school!

Taubel--OUT!

I TAKE IT ALL BACK!

I am watching Justin Bieber on American Idol. (I realize I watch this show way too much). Back to JB--HE JUST KILLED IT! That Baby song had me moving. I take it all back...he rocks my face off.

I apologize for anything and everything I said about him. Yes he is young, but he just made me do a spin move while washing dishes. THANK YOU JUSTIN BIEBER!

Ok back to contemplating why my life is a bit sad/pathetic--more posts on that to come.

Taubel--OUT!

He Remembered Me!

Hello all! Yes, I have not been updating as much...forgive me--I found a life for the past couple weeks. And by life, I mean spring has sprung in Chi-Town, thus I spend my free moments outside trying to savor every moment. October will come too quickly, and I will revert back to being a bitter, wine drinking, awkward, hermit crab. BTW-I hear you saying "what has changed?" A lot has changed! I will be totally positive peggy, I am switching to wine coolers, my awkwardness has disappeared with the winter, and I am totally mac'in it at the bars these days. Ha--who am I kidding, I would never switch to wine coolers...and a lot of those other things are kind of not true.

Like my blog, I have neglected my local coffee shop. I have been on a mission to save some cash, so I have been brewing my own joe these days. Not only am I saving money, but I am learning (slowly) what good coffee tastes like. Let's just say my first couple of pots tasted as though I brewed dirty socks.

Last week I ran out of Folgers (insert--the best part of waking up...). I had to hit up the good ole coffee shop, and I found myself a little excited. As eluded to in previous posts, I have a slight crush on the coffee guy. He is a simple man who just likes brewing coffee for the locals of Wrigleyville. Everyday he shows up in his cargo shorts, K Swiss shoes, and baseball t-shirt and pours us the greatest blends ever. (Yes he wears those cargo shorts in the winter--such a rebel!).

As I entered the shop my heart was all a flutter. I wanted to act cool, but not too cool. I wanted to seem like I had never left. But then I got to thinking, what if he doesn't remember me? What if I was just another face among the sea of patrons he sees every day? I thought all of this from the door to the register--which proved to be foolish because when it was my time to order I just stood there with a huge ass grin on my face.

Finally, he broke the ice and said, "Hey, we haven't seen you in a while. Where have you been?" To which I responded unsteadily, "Oh yeah. That. umm yeah you know just trying to save those dolla bills, yo." (insert awkward laugh and freakish hand motion). I am not even going to comment on this response because it was so absurd. He thought so to because he laughed awkwardly and then said, "The usual coffee?" I was so excited that he remembered my order that I did a little jump and said, "oh yes, coffee for me." And then I did it...I WINKED!!!!! WHO AM I??? I WINKED?!?!?!?!?! Oh whatever, I was on a high that he remembered me, and not only me but my order!! Yeah so what, my usual order is a large coffee, but that is not so generic. A lot of people are starting to order those fancy drinks complete with whip cream and stuff. I would venture to say that regular coffee is an alternative order.

I was so amped by this encounter that the following morning I made sure I looked extra nice. I even put on some shimmery eye shadow--wait shimmery eye shadow is not hip these days? Damn it! Anyways, so I confidently walk into the coffee shop.I stood in line waiting for my romantic coffee exchange and then I hear it. To the average Joe it just sounded like the coffee guy asking for an order, but to me, it was the sound of my heart breaking. My coffee guy was asking the older woman in front of me the following, "Hey, haven't seen you in a while. Where have you been? The usual coffee?"

Yes, my coffee guy had used the same cheap line on me as he had on this cougar! How did this happen? And furthermore, how could he do this to me? I thought we had something special. I thought that my large coffee was the one cup he looked forward to pouring each morning. I thought that I was original and special to him!!

I haven't returned to my coffee shop since then. It just hurts too much. I hope that one day we can get back to where we were before, but I am not sure how to do that. To ensure this time doesn't have to come soon, I bought the value pack of Folgers coffee. I will be sipping my dirty sock tasting coffee for at least another three months.

Taubel--OUT (and not to Starbucks!)