Let's establish a few things before I start this post:
1. I am single
2. I am slightly bitter about being single
3. B/c of point 1 and 2 I tend to dislike those who have a significant other
Ok now that we have that out we can begin. Recently I ventured to Chicago (my new city) to look for a place to live.Unfortunately, both of my Chi-Town friends were out of town. Therefore, I had to stay in a hotel, and this also meant I had to hang out in the City by myself. Lucky for me the touring show of RENT was in Chicago (I refer you to earlier posts about my love for this musical). The original Roger and Mark were reprising their roles on the tour...needless to say, I had to buy tickets--or should I say ticket. Yes, I was a loser and decided to go to a show by myself(your judgments are not needed).
Of course I make it to the theater 45 minutes before curtain (for you non-Thespians curtain means the start of the show)...and of course I bought a drink at the bar--Pause for the cause--that junk was $8. I am still assuming that that shot of wine is going to give me magical powers, however nothing has happened yet.
I took my seat in the nose bleed section and waited in anticipation. And then it happened...yes, yes it happened! A couple came strolling by and sat directly in front of me. Now, normally this would be a bad thing, right? WRONG PEOPLE!!! WRONG!!!!!!!
These two were obviously in love. If I didn't catch on to that by the way the f-ing skipped down the aisle, I sure as hell got the picture when they began to grope each other as if it were Senior Prom and he was dying to finally loose his virginity.
Pause for the cause, again--To all you couples out there...PDA is like a big middle finger to us single people. It is like say, "Hey remember that time that you have to go home alone and watch re-runs of Sex In the City to make you feel better about being single? Well we don't because we are too busy doing the horizontal mamba to watch any TV let alone, the series that marked SJP's re-entrance into the world of entertainment. Hope that makes you feel better." (I refer you to my 3 points above and how I feel about being single.)
I decide to let their incessant PDA go because the show hasn't started and I am too busy wondering what it would be like to be in the cast of RENT...what my costume would be...would Roger be in love with me instead of Mimi? But I digress.
Showtime. Lights dim, orchestra starts, and out walks Roger and Mark...heaven begins. Or so I thought.
That's right readers, ole happy McFeely couple in front of me insists on continuing their love and make out for the entire first act. And I am not talking about a cute kiss every 5 minutes, but a full on make out session.
SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?! SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?! Have you no respect for the art of acting? Can you not feel the magic when the entire company joins together in song? For the love of all things sacred and holy do you not get goose bumps when Roger and Mimi sing their first song about heroin?
Ok now I realize that some of you may think that I am the loser here...at a show, a show I have seen a million times, at a show I have seen a million times by myself. Or you may be thinking that I can't appreciate love when I see, and to you I say F-OFF!!! I can appreciate a good Titanic love story like the rest of them, but at least Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet had the decency to take it to a room/board in the Atlantic Ocean. And furthermore, maybe you should see RENT and then talk to me about being a loser...LOSER!
Back to my dilemma: I am not sure how to handle this blatant disrespect for the arts. Do I tap them on the shoulder and scold them like they are teenagers? Or do I shift in my chair awkwardly/loudly until they realize they are blocking my view with their kissing/feeling/and all around grotesque show of couple-ness? I decided to go with a loud sigh and shift every time they move into pet each other.
Normally, this would do the trick. However, this had an effect that I was not anticipating. At the exact moment I decide to breath heavily and shift, the "lesbian" song was starting. (For those of you not familiar with Rent this is a song the two lesbian lovers sing a song about being lesbians) The people beside me give me this awkward look. It is not until I realize that the two women on stage are feeling each other up that they think I am, oh how do you say it, excited by this.
Yes, the people next to me thought I was getting hot and bothered by the lesbians. Just what I f-ing need...two people making out in front of me and the people beside me thinking I am one big dyke lesbian.
I go into panic mode. How do I fix this situation? How do I appear to be a completely straight woman, a straight woman that is by herself at a show, a straight woman at a show by herself who shifts during lesbian songs?
Of course I over compensate and make the biggest homophobe comment ever by saying, "Ha. Lesbians are never that pretty. Don't they all wear flannel and have boy haircuts."
WTF?!?!?! Who am I? "Lesbians are never that pretty?" What does that even mean? Did I just become the new authority on how pretty Lesbians should be. And then, "Don't they wear flannel and have boy haircuts." Really? Really? I am pretty sure I just stepped out of Jeff Foxworthy's Blue Collar Comedy Tour.
I spend the rest of the show in shame of my absurd comments. However, I blame my stupid comments on the couple in front of me. Had they not fondled each other through out the show I would not been upset at missing the action, and I wouldn't have shifted during the lesbian song, and then I wouldn't have made the homophobic comment, and then the people around me wouldn't have glared at me like I was some white trash. So you see people all problems and stupid decisions can be blamed on couples.
Thank you and thank you.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Bossy WINS!
As many of you know, Scott was voted off last night. Bossy won big predicting the bottom three and who would go home.
Stay tuned for next week...it promises to be funnier and a bit more offensive!!
Stay tuned for next week...it promises to be funnier and a bit more offensive!!
American Idol...Our Take
So last week we were pretty spot on with who would take the bottom three and ultimately go home. Megan Joy deserved to get the boot...she sang poorly and chose the wrong songs. (I mean let's be honest no one can recreate a Bob Marley song...he is a one and only.)
Here are our thoughts from this week. Again, don't read if you are afraid of hurting someone's feelings....
The (Actually) Gay Simon:
i had no time for the little baby picture crap and not too much for any judge comments, i have decided this week to compare the current roster to idols past, with that said here is what i thought:
danny - first time i wasnt like blown away, it was, as randy says, "just alright dog" I think danny reminds me most of Melinda Doolittle (season 6), where he is totally a solid performer, a true professional but not that crazy spectacular make you vote kinda way like Jordin Sparks was. also danny a fellow 1980'er, that is hot.
Kris - i love love love don henley, and he fucked with a henley classic, uncool, BUT i actually still really liked him, i randy was right when he told him you dont have to change it to make it your own. i think this guy has the potential to be an Elliott Yamin (season 5), where he just puts up steady performances and then at the end you realize he is a really good artist, who may have a future.
lil rounds -- okay the thing is lil supposedly can sing, but never sings well on the show, and always picks the most janky songs.. but she clearly has a strong fan base, much like Jasmine Trias (season 3) and Sanjaya Malakar (season 6)... she just doesnt seem young or hip...
Annop -- wow, beautiful, i wish he would stop trying to be usher and bobbie brown and just stick with Brian McKinght/babyface smooth voice stuff, way hotter... his up or down performances remind me of chris richardson (season 6)... i think he might be in trouble, not sure if his fan base is big enough, but hopefully chapel hill will get on the phones now that basketball season is over...
Scott, aka the blind guy -- okay he is actually bad at singing and he looks weird and i realized that being blind can be a real handicap because you cannot ever look at yourself in the mirror to what you look like singing, that is a problem when you look like a crazy rapist when you sing... seriously why can't the judges just say, hi you are terrible and cut him... seriously he is bad... like whoa bad, like scott savol (season 4) bad.
Allison -- like whoa, this girl looks like a 35 year old cocktail waitress from vegas, cant we get her some hair and make-up help... she can sing and i think she is the daughtry/aiken/j-hud (seasons 6/2/3 respectively) have a bigger career than the winner candidate for this season, because she is gonna get voted off soon as america doesnt like her, but she will get the judges save when that happens...
Matt -- i dont get it, i think he is just okay, but people seem to love him, whatever...i compare him to blake lewis (season 6) he will go far, not far enough and never be heard form again...
Adam -- i hate him, i am glad my DVR didnt record him, he is a tool. and apparently used to have BO issues... i am sure he will win, and i am sure just like when Taylor Hicks (season 5) won, all those fans wont translate into album sales. Similarly, the uniqueness that made Fantasia (season 3) stand out didnt turn her into anything but a lifetime movie... lambert is pure theatre and AI is theatrical so it works, but he will not be a big star, big stars have sex appeal, and well he does not...
my bottom 3:lilblind guy and adam
the actual bottom 3:allisonblind guyanoop
i think blind guy gets sent back to safety and anoop gets sent home, no judges save, although they will think long and hard about it...
The Sober Paula:
So I was busy watching the touring show of RENT in Chicago, and therefore, had to miss Idol.
However I will give my opinions anyway...Simon-you shut your face when you talk about my Matty-cakes like that. He is a talented musician that makes my heart skip a beat.
I hate Adam Lambert! And I think Anoop or the blind guy need to go.
Simon-I'm impressed with your extensive knowledge of idols past
Taubel/Paula--OUT!
Bossy aka The White Randy- ***PLEASE NOTE--THESE PREDICTIONS ARE FOR THOSE WHO ARE NOT EASILY OFFENDED. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK****
Danny: O.k. yes, he is a good singer but he isn't somebody I'm going to JO to on a Saturday night while I'm watching him on stage. He has no star quality. He needs to stick to his church singing so he can make those nuns moist.
Kris: Not his best performance but it doesn't mean I still wouldn't bend over for him. He is such a dream boat. I'm still listening to his last two weeks performances on my Ipod. Yes, I'm not afraid to admit that.......in fact, I join you to do the same.
Lil Round: I voted for her this week just for the old pictures of her when she was younger. She was ROCKIN' that damn side pony tail. I used to fix my sisters hair sometimes and tried to make that shit work. Those damn bumps are hard to get out when you rock it out on the side. Oh yea, and whomever is telling her to sing these songs from week to week need to be shot. WTF.
Anoop: Doesn't he remind you of that guy who just left "House" to work for the Obama Administration? For that reason alone, I will not vote for him. How bustarded are you to leave a high paying job to work for the fuckin' government?
Scott: If he doesn't get voted off this week, someone needs to buy him a pair of very dark sunglasses.......Stevie Wonder style. He freaks me the fuck out; I feel like sometimes he isn't looking at anything and at other times, I feel like he is reading my dirty thoughts about Kris Allen.
Allison: Her parents kind of made her look janky. Other than that, I loved her. I love her voice and I loved her performance except that 3/4 skirt that apparently Scott sewed for her.
Matt: I think he would ravish me in bed. He seems really dirty and I like it. Afterwards, he would sing "Sexual Healing" to me........probably 'cause he tore my man-gina up. I didn't like the song he sang but oh well.......I'm waiting Matty.
Adam: Could it be anymore obvious that Idol wants him to win? I do like him because he is a big ol' bossy (aka homo) but I do not like him in any other aspect. He is so cocky. After Simon gave him the standing ovation, he was like, "Yea I know." I'm over him. I hope the fumes from his fingernail polish affects his vocal cords and he can never sing again.
Bottom Three:ScottAnoopLil Round
Voted Off:Scott
And there you have it....
Here are our thoughts from this week. Again, don't read if you are afraid of hurting someone's feelings....
The (Actually) Gay Simon:
i had no time for the little baby picture crap and not too much for any judge comments, i have decided this week to compare the current roster to idols past, with that said here is what i thought:
danny - first time i wasnt like blown away, it was, as randy says, "just alright dog" I think danny reminds me most of Melinda Doolittle (season 6), where he is totally a solid performer, a true professional but not that crazy spectacular make you vote kinda way like Jordin Sparks was. also danny a fellow 1980'er, that is hot.
Kris - i love love love don henley, and he fucked with a henley classic, uncool, BUT i actually still really liked him, i randy was right when he told him you dont have to change it to make it your own. i think this guy has the potential to be an Elliott Yamin (season 5), where he just puts up steady performances and then at the end you realize he is a really good artist, who may have a future.
lil rounds -- okay the thing is lil supposedly can sing, but never sings well on the show, and always picks the most janky songs.. but she clearly has a strong fan base, much like Jasmine Trias (season 3) and Sanjaya Malakar (season 6)... she just doesnt seem young or hip...
Annop -- wow, beautiful, i wish he would stop trying to be usher and bobbie brown and just stick with Brian McKinght/babyface smooth voice stuff, way hotter... his up or down performances remind me of chris richardson (season 6)... i think he might be in trouble, not sure if his fan base is big enough, but hopefully chapel hill will get on the phones now that basketball season is over...
Scott, aka the blind guy -- okay he is actually bad at singing and he looks weird and i realized that being blind can be a real handicap because you cannot ever look at yourself in the mirror to what you look like singing, that is a problem when you look like a crazy rapist when you sing... seriously why can't the judges just say, hi you are terrible and cut him... seriously he is bad... like whoa bad, like scott savol (season 4) bad.
Allison -- like whoa, this girl looks like a 35 year old cocktail waitress from vegas, cant we get her some hair and make-up help... she can sing and i think she is the daughtry/aiken/j-hud (seasons 6/2/3 respectively) have a bigger career than the winner candidate for this season, because she is gonna get voted off soon as america doesnt like her, but she will get the judges save when that happens...
Matt -- i dont get it, i think he is just okay, but people seem to love him, whatever...i compare him to blake lewis (season 6) he will go far, not far enough and never be heard form again...
Adam -- i hate him, i am glad my DVR didnt record him, he is a tool. and apparently used to have BO issues... i am sure he will win, and i am sure just like when Taylor Hicks (season 5) won, all those fans wont translate into album sales. Similarly, the uniqueness that made Fantasia (season 3) stand out didnt turn her into anything but a lifetime movie... lambert is pure theatre and AI is theatrical so it works, but he will not be a big star, big stars have sex appeal, and well he does not...
my bottom 3:lilblind guy and adam
the actual bottom 3:allisonblind guyanoop
i think blind guy gets sent back to safety and anoop gets sent home, no judges save, although they will think long and hard about it...
The Sober Paula:
So I was busy watching the touring show of RENT in Chicago, and therefore, had to miss Idol.
However I will give my opinions anyway...Simon-you shut your face when you talk about my Matty-cakes like that. He is a talented musician that makes my heart skip a beat.
I hate Adam Lambert! And I think Anoop or the blind guy need to go.
Simon-I'm impressed with your extensive knowledge of idols past
Taubel/Paula--OUT!
Bossy aka The White Randy- ***PLEASE NOTE--THESE PREDICTIONS ARE FOR THOSE WHO ARE NOT EASILY OFFENDED. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK****
Danny: O.k. yes, he is a good singer but he isn't somebody I'm going to JO to on a Saturday night while I'm watching him on stage. He has no star quality. He needs to stick to his church singing so he can make those nuns moist.
Kris: Not his best performance but it doesn't mean I still wouldn't bend over for him. He is such a dream boat. I'm still listening to his last two weeks performances on my Ipod. Yes, I'm not afraid to admit that.......in fact, I join you to do the same.
Lil Round: I voted for her this week just for the old pictures of her when she was younger. She was ROCKIN' that damn side pony tail. I used to fix my sisters hair sometimes and tried to make that shit work. Those damn bumps are hard to get out when you rock it out on the side. Oh yea, and whomever is telling her to sing these songs from week to week need to be shot. WTF.
Anoop: Doesn't he remind you of that guy who just left "House" to work for the Obama Administration? For that reason alone, I will not vote for him. How bustarded are you to leave a high paying job to work for the fuckin' government?
Scott: If he doesn't get voted off this week, someone needs to buy him a pair of very dark sunglasses.......Stevie Wonder style. He freaks me the fuck out; I feel like sometimes he isn't looking at anything and at other times, I feel like he is reading my dirty thoughts about Kris Allen.
Allison: Her parents kind of made her look janky. Other than that, I loved her. I love her voice and I loved her performance except that 3/4 skirt that apparently Scott sewed for her.
Matt: I think he would ravish me in bed. He seems really dirty and I like it. Afterwards, he would sing "Sexual Healing" to me........probably 'cause he tore my man-gina up. I didn't like the song he sang but oh well.......I'm waiting Matty.
Adam: Could it be anymore obvious that Idol wants him to win? I do like him because he is a big ol' bossy (aka homo) but I do not like him in any other aspect. He is so cocky. After Simon gave him the standing ovation, he was like, "Yea I know." I'm over him. I hope the fumes from his fingernail polish affects his vocal cords and he can never sing again.
Bottom Three:ScottAnoopLil Round
Voted Off:Scott
And there you have it....
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
The New Judges of American Idol
After talking with some fellow American Idol fans I have decided to start a new weekly post that involves our predictions for the Results Show. Myself and two of my favorite bossy people will be telling you our thoughts, feelings, and predictions....prepare to laugh!
The New Judges:
1. ME--AKA The Sober Paula
2. The (Actually) Gay Simon
3. Bossy-- (or as we call him) The White Randy...it should be noted that Bossy is not a fan of Randy and his incessant "Dogs" and "Yo Yo Yos"
Please be aware that there are some harsh things said. I will remind you we are very passionate about American Idol and make no excuses for our feelings. If you want rainbows and butterflies please go to the Disney World website.
The (Actually) Gay Simon:
1. Anoop - disappointing, should have chosen something less R&B
2. Megan - bad
3. Danny - I have wanted to hear him do rascal flats all year
4. Allison - good not great
5. Blind guy - why is he here, he doesn't sing well
6. Matt - like anoop he wants to be a kind of artist that doesn't fit
what his best at, you aren't in cold play or some other sad bastard band
7. Lil Rounds - celine WTF, why not give us some beyonce or rihana ???
8. Adam - WTF he looks weird and I don't like him- why do judges love
him
9. Kris - his scruff makes him look like a Dom top... I thought his
performance was a little forced but you two probably loved it, I wish
the string quartet had been more prominent...
My top 3:
Gokey
Kris
Only two that rocked it
Bottom 3:
Megan
Blind guy
Lil
The Sober Paula:
1. Anoop is budget...usher really? Worst choice ever.
2. Megan I hate her!!! And she is retarded I mean she can't pick a good song to save her life.
3.Danny-i heart him! And yes I cried again when he sang. He was the jam.
4. Allison-wtf what was she wearing...horrid!
5. Scott-im over him and it creeps me out when he looks at the camera. Yes I'm going to hell
6. Matt-is safe cause I voted 200 times for him. Not his best but I still want to be his boo.
7. Lil'-again what was she wearing? And that song was horrible. I wanted some Whitney or Miriah and I wanted her to kick bootay! I was pissed. But her kids are cute.
8. Adam-i hate him. He is so cocky. And what was the whole "this wouldn't have been possible without the band"? You aren't accepting a Grammy f-tard its the top 9. Btw. I know someone who took an acting class with him apparently he is budget and smells bad.
9. Kris-it was good but for some reason he isn't memorable. Plus he's married and his wife is a little too peppy for me
Bottom 3 should be:
Anoop
Megan
Allison
Bottom 3 will be:
Lil
Megan
Scott or Anoop
Judges will use their save if it is lil, Matt, Danny, Adam,or Kris,
I think this will be a shocker week with lil getting the boot...
Bossy aka The White Randy (this one is my favorite...)
1. Anoop - He reminds me of someone who would be singing on a stage in
Wal-Mart in Mississippi or something and all the while, he would think
he is a rock star. Um.......you are not my friend.....you are not.
2. Megan - this woman is so stupid. She doesn't even deserve a comment
from me.
3. Danny - I love me some Rascal Flatts and I love that he sang one of
their tunes. I want him to sing, "I'm Moving On" by Rascal Flatts. I
will then cry like a little school girl. One thing, I don't like when he
screams the song.
4. Allison - I love her voice but she reminds me of the crazy goth girl
from high school who ends up killing everyone because they were mean to
her for her choice of clothing.
5. Scott - ugh. No words. And what was with the JC Penny's haircut? Was
that to make him look better or something cause that's a loss cause. He
is bustarded.
6. Matt - I didn't like that song but I am a fan. I would be afraid to
say I'm not a fan for fear of retaliation from Becca.
7. Lil - she fits in Megan's category. She has a great voice but picks
the DOMBEST songs possible. She reminds me of
Fantasia.........foreclosure is in her future.
8. Adam - I don't get people's obsession with this manboy. He is not
cute and his attitude is janky. He reminds me of Robert from Twilight
and I have no doubt he stinks.
9. Kris - awwwwwwwww. I could go on and on and on about my future
husband. He is so dreamy. I love how his mouth moves when he sings. I
have purchased each of his performances on Itunes and will continue to
do so. I can't wait to get married to him and make him an honest man.
First, I need to get rid of that skinny blonde wife of his.
Bottom 3:
Megan
Anoop
Scott
--BOSSSSSSSSY!
And there you have it. We are pretty good at this...don't be jealous!!!!
The New Judges:
1. ME--AKA The Sober Paula
2. The (Actually) Gay Simon
3. Bossy-- (or as we call him) The White Randy...it should be noted that Bossy is not a fan of Randy and his incessant "Dogs" and "Yo Yo Yos"
Please be aware that there are some harsh things said. I will remind you we are very passionate about American Idol and make no excuses for our feelings. If you want rainbows and butterflies please go to the Disney World website.
The (Actually) Gay Simon:
1. Anoop - disappointing, should have chosen something less R&B
2. Megan - bad
3. Danny - I have wanted to hear him do rascal flats all year
4. Allison - good not great
5. Blind guy - why is he here, he doesn't sing well
6. Matt - like anoop he wants to be a kind of artist that doesn't fit
what his best at, you aren't in cold play or some other sad bastard band
7. Lil Rounds - celine WTF, why not give us some beyonce or rihana ???
8. Adam - WTF he looks weird and I don't like him- why do judges love
him
9. Kris - his scruff makes him look like a Dom top... I thought his
performance was a little forced but you two probably loved it, I wish
the string quartet had been more prominent...
My top 3:
Gokey
Kris
Only two that rocked it
Bottom 3:
Megan
Blind guy
Lil
The Sober Paula:
1. Anoop is budget...usher really? Worst choice ever.
2. Megan I hate her!!! And she is retarded I mean she can't pick a good song to save her life.
3.Danny-i heart him! And yes I cried again when he sang. He was the jam.
4. Allison-wtf what was she wearing...horrid!
5. Scott-im over him and it creeps me out when he looks at the camera. Yes I'm going to hell
6. Matt-is safe cause I voted 200 times for him. Not his best but I still want to be his boo.
7. Lil'-again what was she wearing? And that song was horrible. I wanted some Whitney or Miriah and I wanted her to kick bootay! I was pissed. But her kids are cute.
8. Adam-i hate him. He is so cocky. And what was the whole "this wouldn't have been possible without the band"? You aren't accepting a Grammy f-tard its the top 9. Btw. I know someone who took an acting class with him apparently he is budget and smells bad.
9. Kris-it was good but for some reason he isn't memorable. Plus he's married and his wife is a little too peppy for me
Bottom 3 should be:
Anoop
Megan
Allison
Bottom 3 will be:
Lil
Megan
Scott or Anoop
Judges will use their save if it is lil, Matt, Danny, Adam,or Kris,
I think this will be a shocker week with lil getting the boot...
Bossy aka The White Randy (this one is my favorite...)
1. Anoop - He reminds me of someone who would be singing on a stage in
Wal-Mart in Mississippi or something and all the while, he would think
he is a rock star. Um.......you are not my friend.....you are not.
2. Megan - this woman is so stupid. She doesn't even deserve a comment
from me.
3. Danny - I love me some Rascal Flatts and I love that he sang one of
their tunes. I want him to sing, "I'm Moving On" by Rascal Flatts. I
will then cry like a little school girl. One thing, I don't like when he
screams the song.
4. Allison - I love her voice but she reminds me of the crazy goth girl
from high school who ends up killing everyone because they were mean to
her for her choice of clothing.
5. Scott - ugh. No words. And what was with the JC Penny's haircut? Was
that to make him look better or something cause that's a loss cause. He
is bustarded.
6. Matt - I didn't like that song but I am a fan. I would be afraid to
say I'm not a fan for fear of retaliation from Becca.
7. Lil - she fits in Megan's category. She has a great voice but picks
the DOMBEST songs possible. She reminds me of
Fantasia.........foreclosure is in her future.
8. Adam - I don't get people's obsession with this manboy. He is not
cute and his attitude is janky. He reminds me of Robert from Twilight
and I have no doubt he stinks.
9. Kris - awwwwwwwww. I could go on and on and on about my future
husband. He is so dreamy. I love how his mouth moves when he sings. I
have purchased each of his performances on Itunes and will continue to
do so. I can't wait to get married to him and make him an honest man.
First, I need to get rid of that skinny blonde wife of his.
Bottom 3:
Megan
Anoop
Scott
--BOSSSSSSSSY!
And there you have it. We are pretty good at this...don't be jealous!!!!
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