PDA is for LOSERS!!!

Let's establish a few things before I start this post:
1. I am single
2. I am slightly bitter about being single
3. B/c of point 1 and 2 I tend to dislike those who have a significant other

Ok now that we have that out we can begin. Recently I ventured to Chicago (my new city) to look for a place to live.Unfortunately, both of my Chi-Town friends were out of town. Therefore, I had to stay in a hotel, and this also meant I had to hang out in the City by myself. Lucky for me the touring show of RENT was in Chicago (I refer you to earlier posts about my love for this musical). The original Roger and Mark were reprising their roles on the tour...needless to say, I had to buy tickets--or should I say ticket. Yes, I was a loser and decided to go to a show by myself(your judgments are not needed).

Of course I make it to the theater 45 minutes before curtain (for you non-Thespians curtain means the start of the show)...and of course I bought a drink at the bar--Pause for the cause--that junk was $8. I am still assuming that that shot of wine is going to give me magical powers, however nothing has happened yet.

I took my seat in the nose bleed section and waited in anticipation. And then it happened...yes, yes it happened! A couple came strolling by and sat directly in front of me. Now, normally this would be a bad thing, right? WRONG PEOPLE!!! WRONG!!!!!!!

These two were obviously in love. If I didn't catch on to that by the way the f-ing skipped down the aisle, I sure as hell got the picture when they began to grope each other as if it were Senior Prom and he was dying to finally loose his virginity.

Pause for the cause, again--To all you couples out there...PDA is like a big middle finger to us single people. It is like say, "Hey remember that time that you have to go home alone and watch re-runs of Sex In the City to make you feel better about being single? Well we don't because we are too busy doing the horizontal mamba to watch any TV let alone, the series that marked SJP's re-entrance into the world of entertainment. Hope that makes you feel better." (I refer you to my 3 points above and how I feel about being single.)

I decide to let their incessant PDA go because the show hasn't started and I am too busy wondering what it would be like to be in the cast of RENT...what my costume would be...would Roger be in love with me instead of Mimi? But I digress.

Showtime. Lights dim, orchestra starts, and out walks Roger and Mark...heaven begins. Or so I thought.

That's right readers, ole happy McFeely couple in front of me insists on continuing their love and make out for the entire first act. And I am not talking about a cute kiss every 5 minutes, but a full on make out session.

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?! SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?! Have you no respect for the art of acting? Can you not feel the magic when the entire company joins together in song? For the love of all things sacred and holy do you not get goose bumps when Roger and Mimi sing their first song about heroin?

Ok now I realize that some of you may think that I am the loser here...at a show, a show I have seen a million times, at a show I have seen a million times by myself. Or you may be thinking that I can't appreciate love when I see, and to you I say F-OFF!!! I can appreciate a good Titanic love story like the rest of them, but at least Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet had the decency to take it to a room/board in the Atlantic Ocean. And furthermore, maybe you should see RENT and then talk to me about being a loser...LOSER!

Back to my dilemma: I am not sure how to handle this blatant disrespect for the arts. Do I tap them on the shoulder and scold them like they are teenagers? Or do I shift in my chair awkwardly/loudly until they realize they are blocking my view with their kissing/feeling/and all around grotesque show of couple-ness? I decided to go with a loud sigh and shift every time they move into pet each other.

Normally, this would do the trick. However, this had an effect that I was not anticipating. At the exact moment I decide to breath heavily and shift, the "lesbian" song was starting. (For those of you not familiar with Rent this is a song the two lesbian lovers sing a song about being lesbians) The people beside me give me this awkward look. It is not until I realize that the two women on stage are feeling each other up that they think I am, oh how do you say it, excited by this.

Yes, the people next to me thought I was getting hot and bothered by the lesbians. Just what I f-ing need...two people making out in front of me and the people beside me thinking I am one big dyke lesbian.

I go into panic mode. How do I fix this situation? How do I appear to be a completely straight woman, a straight woman that is by herself at a show, a straight woman at a show by herself who shifts during lesbian songs?

Of course I over compensate and make the biggest homophobe comment ever by saying, "Ha. Lesbians are never that pretty. Don't they all wear flannel and have boy haircuts."

WTF?!?!?! Who am I? "Lesbians are never that pretty?" What does that even mean? Did I just become the new authority on how pretty Lesbians should be. And then, "Don't they wear flannel and have boy haircuts." Really? Really? I am pretty sure I just stepped out of Jeff Foxworthy's Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

I spend the rest of the show in shame of my absurd comments. However, I blame my stupid comments on the couple in front of me. Had they not fondled each other through out the show I would not been upset at missing the action, and I wouldn't have shifted during the lesbian song, and then I wouldn't have made the homophobic comment, and then the people around me wouldn't have glared at me like I was some white trash. So you see people all problems and stupid decisions can be blamed on couples.

Thank you and thank you.