Who is this Justin Bieber?

Many of you know that I am totally the person advertising and tv execs target. I am a sucker when it comes to the mainstream. I love cheesy 80s ballads, boy bands, horrible reality tv shows, and for some reason celebrity gossip. Yes, I frequent perezhilton.com, and I love a good issue of People magazine. I am what's wrong with America.

Recently, I have caught wind of this Justin Bieber character. I must admit, until about a month ago I had no idea who this kid was--this upsets me for several reasons: 1.It means I am aging and loosing my ability to follow mainstream America 2.I am normally all over cheesy love songs and I some how missed his 3 big hits. (no worries, I have downloaded them and am still deciding if they are worthy of my solo performance while getting ready).

I have several issues with this pre-pubescent singer. Normally, I am very up-to-date with the hot new teen sensation and have been known to have a slight crush on them. Jesse McCartney and Zac Efron found fame during my college years and I thought both of them were adorable...I may have marked McCartney's 18th birthday on my calendar, but that is beside the point.

I must say, I don't get the obsession with this Bieber kid. Here are my concerns:

1.He looks like he just stepped off the Blue's Clues train. I mean he is like 10 years old and 4ft tall, right? He is tiny!! However, he dresses like he is in his mid-twenties. It is like he is mini-Justin Timberlake (it hurt to type that). Maybe even the bobble head version of Justin Timberlake. I remember when *NSYNC and Backstreet Boys hit the mainstream, and I remember them looking older and much cuter. He reminds me of the youngest kid on Family Ties...you know the kid the Keaton's had in one of the later seasons, and then he suddenly aged like 5 years the next season. But this reference may not work here as this show started in the 80s which is way to old for Mr. Bieber. I believe he was born in 1999--when *NYSNC and Backstreet Boys were on their sophomore albums (yeah I just referenced Family Ties and used the term "sophomore albums"--deal with it)

2. His songs concern me. He is 12 and telling me there is going to be One Less Lonely Girl and that I'm going to be his One Love. Thank you Justin Bieber....I am glad to know that a pre-pubescent, shaggy haired, Canadian is telling me not to worry about my love life. I am sorry if I have a hard time believing these grandiose promises you are making me and all the other ladies in the world, but I have a feeling your idea of curing loneliness is a box of Lucky Charms and Saturday morning cartoons in your race car pajamas. So thank you Justin, for reminding me the only men out there concerned with loneliness are 12 year olds that think Usher and Justin Timberlake are "Old School." **NOTE--I realize these songs are not targeted towards me rather 10-15 year olds. And to them little Justy could cure their loneliness by taking them on a date to the school cafeteria. However, I get pissy when I think singers are not singing about me, to me, or for me. I am sorry, I am selfish...again I say, deal with it.

3. This brings me to point 3. Usher is this kids "mentor." I'm sorry, when did Usher become old enough to be someone's mentor? I refuse to believe that U-S-H-E-R R-A-Y-M-O-N-D is a mentor. (those of you out there were singing the song from 97--I know you! I digress...) If we are looking for tween mentors, let's start with a member of the Jackson 5, maybe New Edition, or even New Kids on the Block. Yeah I get it, Usher was a tween star too, but admitting Usher is old enough to impart words of wisdom on this child means that I have to admit that I am old too. I refuse to do this.

4. Has he hit puberty? As I have said in above rants, Justin is obviously pre-pubescent. This does not bode will for his future in the singing world. We all saw the Brady Bunch episode with Peter, When it's time to change, you got to rearrange... (insert squeak in voice. And little Bieber, I have a feeling when that voice goes crazy, there are going to be several problems, and your singing career will be a huge one. Puberty was a bitch for us all, but I have a feeling it will cost him a lot more.

5. His name is ridiculous. How do I say it? How do I spell it? Is there a L is there and extra R somewhere? I mean, Mentor Usher--could we not have made this simpler? I realize that I should be able to handle this, but it is just another reason why this child annoys me. I want to keep saying Justin Bebe or Justin Bebler...it is confusing.

6.There is only room for one Justin in my iTunes, and I think we all know who that is. Until you give me a record as hot as Justified or Future Sex Love Sounds, then step off Bieber. You will never make my heart skip a beat like JT...and you shouldn't because that would be illegal...not for you, but for me. And I am not down with that sort of stuff. Going younger for me means 22.

Overall, I am not a fan of this kid, and while I'm at it I don't like those Jonas kids or the Selena character either. They all kind of creep me out. People tell me all these teen stars are the new Justin Timberlakes, Britney Spears, Beyonces etc etc. I am sorry, but they don't have half the talent our teen stars had. I mean come on, "Hit Me Baby One More Time," "Bootylicious," and "Bye, Bye, Bye" were quality songs with such musicality. (I realize how absurd this sounds...no worries. I am just being a bit extreme to get a point across. Us bloggers* do that sometimes). Your new Disney kids are nothing to my Disney celebs!

I guess this has all made me realize that I have stepped into the world where my thoughts start with, "When I was younger..." or "Back when I was in high school..." or "Things were different when I was young..." And this is why I don't like Justin Bieber. He has made me realize that I am too old for MTV and teeny bopper songs, and for this I will not be his fan.

Ok I am off to sing some late 90s teen hits and watch She's All That...you know the good stuff.

Taubel--OUT!

*I called myself a blogger in this post. I realize this solidifies the fact that I am a tool. I appreciate your concerns.