I am back in my neighborhood coffee shop (which apparently is not a fan of heat--I'm freezing my bootay off), and there is a couple next to me recounting how they think the woman contracted Herpes. She is claiming she sat on a public toilet. WTF?!?!?! Seriously people? This is the conversation you choose to have over a hot cup of joe. You are just asking me to stare at you awkwardly. Furthermore, this conversation has lasted the better part of an hour and has really taken away from my plan to listen to the Godspell soundtrack. Now you may be asking yourself, "Becca, I am sure they know you are listening." Ha, that's where you are wrong. I have strategically placed my headphones in so they think I am listening to the Best of Michael Bolton. Booya!
So I have several thoughts about this coffee conversation:
1. Herpes? Really, we are going to talk about Herpes? I know we live in 2010 and nothing should shock me anymore, but couldn't we have at least come up with a code word for the Herp? Maybe call it your little scratchy friend? Or that thing that came to town after you were a 2-bit hooker and did the grown up with that random stranger. Just some ideas.
2. Why have you chosen my local coffee shop to solve this little mystery? I have a feeling that there are plenty of other places to play CSI STD dectective other than in my presence as I sip my decaf and try to lesson plan. I have several suggestions, your car, your living room, or anywhere that does not involve the general public. I now know way too much about you, and honestly, I am tempted to pull up a youtube PSA that warns against the dangers of unprotected sex. (School teacher in me)
3. I think the part I am most concerned about is they are not sure where this Herp came from. I love that she thinks it is from sitting on a public toilet. I have news for you Hooker Betty, that just doesn't happen. Trust me! (There is a whole story that goes with this knowledge but that will be for another day and another post). I am pretty sure you have cheated on your unfortunate looking boyfriend, and now you are scrambling for reasons as to why you have given him the present that no one wants or needs.
I have to tell you that this does not help my mind from wondering what kind of couple they are. After the obvious swingers assumption, I am left with a couple thoughts.
Situation A: This woman is like the Tiger Woods of women in Chicago and her boyfriend has just found out about her infidelities. Therefore, they have picked a public place to talk about all the men she has boned. I get it--this allows for safety and for the boyfriend to have some small joy in her humiliation.
Situation B: She is lying to her boyfriend so she wont have to sleep with him b/c yes, she is a lot better looking than him. If that is the case, then I must say that is some intense storytelling she's got there. Most normal people would just break up with a guy they didn't want to date and/or have sex with. Telling a man you have contracted Herpes from a toilet seat seems a bit over the edge and drastic. But, lady, I don't know your life, so whatever floats your boat.
Situation C: Said girlfriend has neither cheated nor refuses to have sex with her boyfriend, and she really thinks she has Herpes from some random toilet seat in Wrigelyville. In this case, I suggest they go to the Dr. and talk about this situation. There may be more than just a Herpes problem.
In summary, please do not use my sweet coffee shop as a round table discussion for your "private" issues. Thank you!
Taubel--OUT!
No comments:
Post a Comment