I couldn't sleep last night for several reasons: 1. I am still unemployed and living with my dad. 2. I am still not getting it on with Justin Timberlake --curse you Jessica Biel. and 3. Late night Tyra Show re-runs are my dirty little secret.
You all need to know that I LOVE to HATE Tyra Banks. She be tryin' me, but she is so freaking addictive. I like to compare it to when Brit Brit went all bananas on us...you hate that she is doing it and you want to bitch slap her, but you can't stop watching it.
Between her rants on America's Next Top Model, "X number of girls stand before me.." and her ridiculous stories on her budget talk show, I find myself watching Tyra more than I talk to friends or family.
Last night was a particularly annoying Tyra Show: Boyfriend-Aholics. Tyra opened the show with a stupid intro where she made some of her budget audience members stand up like they were in an AA meeting and say, "I am Misty and I am a boyfriend-aholic." Then finally we see Tyra stand up and we think, "Oh golly is the narcissist herself going to admit that she needs a man all the time." WRONG Ole T-Money (in a sort of bitch-ass way) says, "I'm Tyra Banks, a producer, model and talk show host," (how could we go 10 minutes without Tyra talking about all that she does), "And y'all I ain't no boyfriend-aholic, but today's show we will meet some women that are." WTF Tyra...make your audience admit to sleeping their way through life so they can cope with their daddy issues, and then you just totally make them feel like tools. 2points Tyra Banks, 2 points.
We then we have to suffer through Tyra's intro montage of pictures of Tyra across New York looking fabulous. I may hate her but she is fierce and can take a damn good picture (I secretly hope it was noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker who took the shot. I heart him).
When we are finished with the 3rd grade slide show of Tyra we find our host seated center stage ready to open the show, "Today's show is about Boyfriend-Aholics. You know like Alcoholics are addicted to alcohol, boyfriend-aholics are addicted to having a MAAAAANNNNNN." (insert hand motion here)
Thank GOD Tyra cleared that up with me! All these years I have been struggling with what the hell 'aholic' meant when teamed with a noun...but Tyra is here to save the day. And I love how Tyra compare alcoholism to women who have a problem with paying for their own dinner therefore date around. Really Tyra? I especially love that Tyra put some flare on how she said 'man' too...as if this show wasn't budget enough, Tyra had to remind us all why we should demand that Oxygen play re-runs of Maury Povich and his epic DNA specials instead of these disaster stories that Tyra thinks are Oprah-worthy. (Yes I watch Maury...your judgements aren't needed).
Tyra continued the show by interviewing some poor woman who has had over 50 relationships...Tyra says boyfriend-aholic, I say smart business woman! I bet that woman hasn't paid for a meal, taxi or mani/pedi in years. Two claps for you!
What I find really interesting is that Tyra manages to bring everything back to her or Barack Obama. It was pretty impressive that, in talking about 'boyfriend-aholics', Tyra mentioned that Obama was President 10 times. I am not sure how our President is linked to a desperate Betty who needs a mmmaaaannnnn (insert hand gesture).
Realizing that this ridiculous topic will not fill an hour worth of horrible talk show, Tyra spends the last half hour on a segment called, "Ask Tyra," because we all know we are DYING to know more about Tyra Banks and how she wakes up being that WONDERFUL! Again, we find ourselves subjected to more idiotic statements from Team Tyra. Question after question we hear more about how real Tyra is...culminating when she takes her shoes off and realizes she has ashy toes. "Y'all my toes be ashy!" I love it when she uses improper grammer and slang. It really makes me think that she is just like me. She is so real y'all, so REAL!!!!!!!!!!
At one point she is asked if she buys her own groceries Tyra replied, "Duh gurl. Well, I mean I used to. I don't have a lot of poparazzi around me," (I secretly do a little dance at this realization), "but I still don't have a lot of time to shop. So I have my people buy the basics. BUT if I want something specific like Ketchup, I will go to Dean and Deluca and get it. You know I get the condiments"
Again I say, WTF Tyra!!!!!!!!!! A. You lied within in 2 seconds when you said 'duh gurl,' B. Your people get the basics...do you have someone on your payroll that is literally titled 'the basics grocery shopper?' C. Something specific like...KETCHUP--no words. D.You buy f-ing ketchup at Dean and Deluca? Listen Kari Russell did not spend 4 years on Felicity working there for you to shame that store like that. E. Thank GOD you buy your own condiments...you are so real and down to earth Tyra Banks...wait you have your people buy your basics.
Finally Tyra ends the circus and it was on to re-runs of America's Next Top Model where Tyra will find more ways to talk about herself. "Two girls stand before me. One with a heart and the other with a brain. I too have a heart and a brain and took amazing pictures when I went to Paris when I was 17 and modeled. Who will continue on in the hopes of becoming America's Next Top Model that will have no career after this show?" Fingers crossed the Plus-size 6 girl wins!! LOVE IT!!
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