Pretty Friends

I have great friends. I'd even venture to say that they are the best. However, there is one problem...they are all ridiculously good looking. I am not unfortunate looking, but I do have a little more meat on my bones. I am definitely not that big girl who surrounds herself with other girls who eat their feelings? No, I have decided to be friends with girls who are beautiful, smart, not crazy, and successful. Oh and they manage this perfection while eating double cheeseburgers and drinking Bud-heavys.

Take my friend, we will call her "M." M is beautiful, has a masters in Accounting, huge boobs, likes football, and here comes the zinger...she's freakishly tan year round so she looks ambiguously ethnic. Kind of like the lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls. And the tan is not fake...she is just naturally that tan. Now you may be asking yourself, "Maybe she has some Latino in her family?" No both parents are big time whiteys. So then you may ask, "Well did her mom take a dip in the Latino pool with Hector her gardener?" And to you I say no because, A. They didn't have a gardener and B. The guy who worked at their house was named Jose and he was her mom's personal pillow fluffer. I am doubtful anything happened.

Ok so say you meet M in a bar: successful, beautiful, possibly Latino, football watching girl and then you meet me: unemployed, pudgy, whitey mcwhiterton, VH1 reality TV watching girl....now who would you pick? Yup, I pick M every time.

I have learned to use my friends beauty to my advantage. That's right...I pimp those bossy's out and get free drinks for all of us (thank you brother Eric and his bossy friends for introducing me to the word bossy). This is where other big girls are missing out...you need to split up and make friends with skinny girls. Then pimp them out and get free drinks from the poor bastards that think they actually have a chance in hell of taking M or any other pretty friend home.

Be careful though, some guys have been watching that show, "The Pickup Artist," so they think that they have to talk to the poor lonely friend, therefore showing your friend that he is caring and sensitive. I hate guys who do this...mostly because they come up with some stupid topic that makes me want to punch them in the face. Like one time a guy tried to talk to me about the 1996 Olympics that were in Atlanta. It went something like this, "Oh you are from Georgia...how bout those Olympics a couple years back?" Guys, you may be thinking this is actually a good topic, but no. First off, "a couple years back?" try 13 years ago! Therefore, I was 11 years old in 1996...I thought that the only countries at the Olympics were the mighty US of A, Canada, England, and Mexico (but they played with rocks so they weren't good). I also thought that the Jamaican Bobsleds team was going to be at the Summer Olympics. My only memories of the Olympics were the pictures of me in umbros, soccer t-shirts and braces.

In closing, having pretty friends has its perks. I just wish that one of them could have an unsightly hairy mole...just to even the playing field.