Questions I Hate Getting...

We have all been there...the awkward run in with an old acquaintance or family friend. Sometimes you see it coming and you try to hide your face behind the stack of super-plus tampons, and sometimes they sneak up on you and you are trapped. You know what is coming and there is no escaping the awkward pauses and glances. These encounters are my personal hell because I know that they are going to make small talk and as the same annoying questions. Here are a few that I hate getting the most :

1. What are you up to these days?—This is the PC way for people to ask you if you have a job. This is like the “where are you going to college?” question you got as you were graduating high school, or the “what’s next for you?” question you got when you were graduating college. I do not appreciate this/these question(s) at all. It is like we have to have everything figured out, and if we don’t then we are automatically categorized as that slacker who is living off their parents. Now, I understand that right now I fit more in that slacker category than most, but still, is it necessary to ask that question. I understand the need for small talk, but why not stick to topics we have used for decades upon decades…I am talking about the weather people! Or even the state of world peace. What about your feelings on Global Warming—fact or fiction? Hey, why don’t you ask how my family is? Anything but the “What are you up to these days?” because I don’t want to give you my answer, and I can bet you don’t really want to hear it. In fact, I hate this question so much I almost want to make this situation as awkward as possible for the a-hole that asked it. I am thinking that I should start making up situations for myself like, “Ahh what am I up to these days? Well I am becoming an astronaut.” Or “Me? Well I am smuggling drugs into the country. It is a tough job…lots of long hours, but you can’t beat the thrill of running away from the boarder guard.” (insert thumbs up here).
   

2. Are you dating anyone?—Ok, ok, ok…now I know that, like myself, there are some people that are hopeless romantics. However, I HATE this question because my answer is always the same…NO. Now I am not bitter about not dating anyone (maybe just a little), but I don’t feel like seeing the face of people every time I tell them, “No, not dating anyone.” It’s a cross between pity and questioning my sexuality. For some reason a “no” answer translates into the possibility of me being a lesbian. I might as well dress up in a softball uniform and carry around a picture of Rosie O’Donnell.

3. What is (insert super successful friend name here) up to these days?—Is this really necessary? Do you really want to know this answer? Or would you like to bitch slap me even harder for not having it “all together” like they do. I mean I really enjoy telling you that my friend has a great job, a super hot boyfriend who loves her so much and buys her all sorts of trinkets, and that she has magically lost 15 lbs due to her overwhelming happiness! Thank you, for once again making me realize that my life is sub-par at best.

4. You look different, have you lost weight?—Could you not rephrase this please? Could you try to be certain that I have lost weight? Like, you look skinny, you must have lost weight? Even if I haven’t, it would be nice for you to make the wrong assumption. If you have to ask if I have lost weight then chances are I haven’t…I probably just got a haircut, or I am wearing black (because it hides your disappointment that I don’t have a job or a boyfriend). Now I realize at this point in our conversation you are grasping at anything positive so I will throw you a bone here and appreciate that you are trying to find something redeeming in our awkward encounter in CVS in the tampon aisle.

5. Did you hear that (insert former classmate that you don’t remember that well here) got married?—Really? I mean really? Do you really want to spend the next 15 minutes regaling the details of the wedding of a girl that was a total slut in high school? Because I guarantee my stories about this girl are far more interesting and funny than your sappy tale of her romantic wedding. What I really want to know here is where the hell she met the guy? And how did she explain her high school career? I may be a “mature adult,” but I am not above the juicy details.

So these are just a few of the many questions that I hate being asked at this stage of life—mostly because they play on my insecurities. However, I feel I am not alone in this. I am pretty sure no one who is in this transition stage enjoys talking about their boring job, lack of romantic life, weight issues, or friends who seemingly have it together.

Let’s do each other a favor, next time we are faced with the inevitable small talk situation with an old acquaintance or hometown familiar face, let’s stick to the fun topics: reality television, Brad and Angelina, or “man it is cold out here for March!”