T is a normal 3rd grader. Plays basketball, runs fast, pushes too hard, makes jokes that he has no idea what they mean, and laughs. He laughs a lot. His laugh. Well, it is amazing. It can turn a bad day right. It instantly makes you forget why you were upset in the first place. It makes any frustration, hardship, or problem seem frivolous. A world where T’s laugh and smile exist, can not possibly be a world in which sadness or heartache exist. But we live in a world where those two entities can coexist. And T lives in a world where his smile and laugh are in constant battle with what others tell him should make him happy.
While T may seem like a normal 3rd grader, he is not. T struggles to identify letters, numbers, and even his own name. T will often forget why he even got out of his seat in the first place. T will often shut down when in trouble because he isn't able to tell you how he feels. By now you understand that T gets frustrated at even simplest of tasks. He often tells me in a whisper with head bent low, “I can not do that Ms. Taubel. I just can’t. And I am sad.” As you can imagine, this rips me apart because this is the same boy that brings constant sunshine and joy to my life from August to June. Seeing him defeated makes me want to stand up and scream. I want to take all of his pain. (I imagine that this is just an ounce of what it feels like to be a parent.) I tell him constantly that he is smart and talented. I tell him that while he can’t do what some of his friends do, that he is still worthy of respect and love. He is important and needed in this world. BECAUSE HE IS! But somehow this doesn't help and it doesn't make it better. It just isn't fair. T may never see academic success like you and I define it to be, but he will find happiness. Right? Jesus, it has to be right, because I can not be satisfied with a life where a boy as special, talented, funny, and charismatic as T, can not find pure and utter happiness. I am not satisfied that, as a third grader, he has to be prepared to fight for success.
T fights this battle everyday because his mom was not strong enough to fight the battle of addiction. I don’t blame her and nor should you. We all have demons. We all have struggles. And we all have fights that some days seem like they are impossible to win, and therefore we give up. We give up never knowing if that willingness to take a loss has cost someone else a victory, a chance for “success”, or the opportunity to lead a life full of hopes and dreams. I am more than certain had she known the outcome, she would have asked for help, looked for answers, and fought like hell to for T. So again, DO NOT blame her.
I am not writing this in the hopes that you will pity T. Be clear on this--never pity that wonderful boy. He doesn't need that from you. What he, and many other students, need from you is encouragement to continue the fight and continue finding success. Yes, he has already found success. What I have decided is that he has already won at the game of life because he has changed my life forever. He has made me a more patient person. He has made me a more loving person. He has made me a more passionate person. Most important, he has shown me that I must fight. I must fight for what I want in life and in this world. So no, I will not pity him--I will celebrate him.
While you are hearing about T right now, there have been 3 years worth of students that have made my life more meaningful and important than I could ever imagine. I decided to become a teacher because I wanted to change lives. I had the ridiculous idea that their lives needed to be changed. I was selfish and bold enough to think they needed saving. They didn't need any of those things. They needed a teacher and they needed a teacher who did not think she was doing them a favor. (I still get angry at myself for those idiotic thoughts. How dare I think that was some hero--I was nothing of the sort). In reality, they were doing me the favor. They were the ones changing my life.
When I reveal that I am a teacher, the number one response is thank you. Note--I hate when this happens. I hate it because I am not deserving of thanks or your appreciation. Because the truth is I still have so much to learn. In fact, most days (pretty much everyday) I fail. Through my failure, I improve, but for T and the other 3 years of students that’s not good enough. I owe them more than “I will try harder next year.” But how do you repay people that have given you more than you ever thought possible? They have filled my heart with love, hope, and possibility. They have shown me what it means to thrive in the face defeat. They are the very definition of what it means to give unconditional love. They have more character in their short lives then most of us can hope for. It is because of them that I will continue to tell myself that they...me...you...we are worth the fight. And that success is measured not by a test, a standard, fame or notoriety. Rather, success is measured by individuals. I wont make some grandstand about how I will dedicate my life to reminding everyone (or all 5 of you readers) to fight for happiness or success, because the truth is I am not that important. If T has taught me anything, it is that the laughter, the smiles, and the love you give are what shows people you are worth the fight. So like T, I am going to keep laughing and smiling, but more importantly I am going to keep fighting.
If you decide to share this with people, that's great. I hope T can help them decide what they will fight for, like he has done for me. Thank you T, and thank you to all my students for demanding the best of me. Keep fighting...I know I will.
Ms. Taubel--OUT!
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